When You Give A Prodigy A Lecture
by AmbiguouslyAzn
Summary: I'm a secret agent whose job is to turn the most hardened criminals  which, incidentally, includes a certain boy genius  into your average, everyday nice guys. This isn't as easy as it sounds, especially when you're assigned to Artemis Fowl II...
1. Prologue

I'm new at this. My job, I mean. I know it's weird for a fifteen-year-old to have a job as a secret agent, but at least I'm getting paid. What exactly is my job, and why the heck would I be spending time doing it instead of movie hopping at the mall down the street? Basically, all I have to do is turn the hardest, toughest criminals into people who bake cookies for you when you visit. Doesn't exactly sound like the best job ever, but like I said, I'm getting paid. Plus I get free cookies. And that's always worth it.

Anyway, it's my first day on the job, and I'm like the first-time worker: all smiles and perky, while the other gals and gents who have been working there for years shoot me 'if looks could kill you'd be dead' glares.

"Miss Emmaleigh?" calls an intern from outside the boss's office. "It's your turn." I shudder. That woman makes it sound like a death sentence. Maybe it is. Who knows? As soon as I step into the office, I could tell my boss was one of those bleak, bland, office guys who hasn't had a girlfriend in ages.

"Let's get down to business," he says in his British accent as soon as I sit down on an uncomfortable office chair. _Hello_, I think, _nice to meet you too_.

"Your assigned convict is Artemis Fowl." He paused, perhaps for dramatic effect. "The Second."

"Isn't that the guy who gave a rare and much stolen painting to a museum for free?" I ask, slightly confused as to why I was supposed to arrest such a nice guy.

"Yes, that's the 'guy' but unfortunately he's done much more bad than good. I'd have to say that's the only good thing he's done. Publicly, at least. So you know what you're supposed to do, Miss Emmaleigh?"

I nod, and he shoos me out with a flip of his hand. "Next!" he calls. I raise my eyebrow.

"Wait, that's it?" He doesn't even bother to answer me, so I leave. The intern opens the door for me and hands me a sheet with guidelines on it. I read it as I get ready to leave for Ireland.

1. You have exactly one year to complete the mission.

2. You must stay with your assigned convict until the year is over.

3. Don't fail.

4. Remember to not become too attached to your convict.

I nearly burst out in laughter at the rules. Namely, number three. I still thought Artemis was a good guy, despite what my boss said, and I didn't think he should be thought of as a 'convict'. Little did I know my opinion of him was about to change.


	2. Chapter 1

By the time I knocked on the front door, I was exhausted. Jeez, how big of a yard does that guy need! Not to mention an even bigger backyard. Anyway, a tall, pale teenager answered the door as I tried to catch my breath. I looked at him for a moment.

"Are you going to tell me why you're here?" he said with one of those conceited looks I couldn't stand. "I'm not interested in Girl Scout cookies."

_Hey, there's this new revolutionary thing called 'greetings'. Ever heard of 'em?_ I think. I smile one of my fakest smiles. "That's good, because you look like you're already out of shape."

He scowled at me, and I swear I felt like running away. "No, really," I say laughing. "I'm here to make you a better person."

Artemis (I assumed that was him, anyway), raised his eyebrow and promptly closed the door in my face. I rang the doorbell again.

"Go away," he said bluntly, opening the door. He would've closed the door on me again if I hadn't stuck my foot between the door and the door frame.

"No, I'm serious. Look!" I held up my secret agent badge and a paper saying I was supposed to make Artemis 'good' or else authorities would have to arrest him. He looked skeptical, but he let me in anyway. Artemis took my paper and read it with a disbelieving look on his face.

"I've never heard of this organization," he said, staring daggers into my eyes.

I gulped nervously. "Yes, well, that's why I'm a _secret _agent. Hehehe…"

He didn't laugh.

"Okay…so where can I stay?" I asked with a sheepish look on my face.

He looked at me with his eye raised. "You're supposed to stay here too?"

I laughed. "For one whole year."

He looked at me for a moment, invited me in (reluctantly), and then called his butler. _Seriously? A butler?_ I thought incredulously. _Is this guy a millionaire or something?_

Butler came down in his sparring gear. As soon as he saw me, he froze. Then a slow smile spread across his face, and he walked over and patted Artemis on the back.

"I see you've finally found yourself some source of entertainment other than those computers," he said with a smirk. Artemis' expression changed from one of disbelief to just plain pissed off.

"Butler, this girl is merely an intruder. She refused to leave when I specifically asked her to go." Artemis shot me a glare that made goose bumps run up my arms. Butler looked me up and down, as if trying to see if I had any weapons on my person. He seemed to approve of me, and I saw his tense shoulders relax a little.

"Uh, w-well, actually, I'm here to make Artemis a better person," I said nervously. Artemis stared at me dryly, but Butler laughed at that. He patted me on the shoulder.

"You and me both, kid. You and me both."

"Ah, so he's a nuisance to you too, then, huh?" I said with a smile. This guy wasn't as bad as his appearance suggested.

"Oh, don't even get me started on the time he was a baby and—"

"Excuse me?" Artemis said, exasperated.

Butler coughed. "Right. So what organization are you working for?"

I handed him my badge and paper. After a few moments he nodded approvingly. "I've heard of this. I was wondering how long it would take before you paid Artemis a visit."

I cracked up. "He's that bad?"

Butler nodded, and showed me up to my room. When I came back down, Artemis was still sitting where we left him, scowling at the fancy coffee table as if he wanted to stab it with a knife. From what Butler told me (I had found out that his name is Butler, _and_ he's a butler…how cool is that?) he would've ended up missing the table and stabbing his leg instead due to his bad aim. I seated myself on the couch across from him and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.

"So. Tell me about yourself," I said. He closed his eyes, ran his fingers through his hair, and walked over to me. He leaned over me, casting a shadow on my figure. I leaned back into the couch.

Waaaayyyyy back.

"You may stay here for a year, but you are not to come close to me," he said, glaring at me.

"But you're close to me now," I pointed out.

"Fine," he sighed, stepping back. "Then don't give me advice on how to be a 'Good Samaritan' during your unwelcome stay."

"But it's my job."

"I don't care if you get paid a million dollars to make me a respectable person. I just—"

"I get paid twenty a week."

"I. Don't. CARE!" he screamed.

"UGH YOU SPIT IN MY FACE!"

He gritted his teeth and stormed off. Butler came out from the kitchen. "How's it going so far?" he asked with a smirk.

"He's a great kid. Really. I think I'm going to faint with pleasure," I said, rolling my eyes.

I sat on my bed reading I Am Number Four and listening to my iPod at full blast.

"If I could find you now, things would get better…we could leave this town and run forever…" I sang, tapping my foot to "Ocean Avenue". I heard a knocking at my door so I pulled off my headphones and told whoever was on the other side of the door to come in. Guess who it was?

The girl-scout cookie lovin' teenager.

"Greetings," he said in a surprisingly normal voice. I frowned.

"Uh, lesson number one: Let's use some more welcoming greetings. Not greetings that make you sound like Count Dracula," I said with a smile. "Walk back outside and say hi like a regular person."

He stared at me for a second, rolled his eyes, and walked back outside. He came in again.

"Hi," he said stiffly. He gagged as if he'd eaten something horrible.

I sighed. "It's a start." He walked over and stood at the foot of my bed.

"I apologize for my rude behavior earlier. You are very welcome in this household and I will never treat you ever so badly again."

I laughed. "Who told you to say that? Your mother?"

He looked at me.

I gawked. "It took an order from your mother to get you to apologize to a girl? Jeez, how do you get dates?"

"I don't."

"Doesn't surprise me."

He looked at my bluntly. "So do you accept my apology?"

Sighing, I put my book down. "Do you always have to be like that?"

"Like what?"

"So…so…adult! Live a little, won't you? I'm trying to make you laugh, and you just cut me down every time!" I said exasperated.

"I don't laugh."

"Yeah, I can see that." I held up my fingers in front of my forehead in the shape of an 'L'.

"What _is_ that?" he said, and I could see he was faintly curious.

"Loser!" I said with a smirk.

"Hmm. Well then…" He held up his hand in a sign language 'm'. I raised my eyebrows.

"Muttonhead!" he said, laughing at me.

I snorted. "What the heck is that?"

"Ha! I called you a dolt!" he said with a proud expression.

I shook my head. "You're going to need a lot of work."


	3. Chapter 2

I woke up to the sound of the Spongebob Squarepants theme song. Singing along quietly, I got out of bed and dressed into a cardigan, jeans, and my favorite pair of red, white, and blue Chuck Taylor's. As I walked down the stairs, the savory smell of eggs and bacon wafted around the kitchen/living room area. The twins were eating cereal and watching Spongebob in front of the TV while Artemis and Butler were nowhere to be seen. Mr. and Mrs. Fowl, I learned, were vacationing in the Bahamas until next week.

Patting my stomach, I waltzed into the kitchen and plopped down next to Artemis, who was proving some geometry theorems (or disproving them? Knowing Artemis that wasn't unlikely). He glanced up at me then went back to work.

"Oh, I'm fine, Artemis!" I exclaimed.

Sarcastically, of course.

"I slept well, thanks for asking! And how are you?"

Artemis rolled his eyes and played along. "Why, I am quite fine, miss! It's a lovely day outside to be frolicking in the flowers, is it not?" He rolled his eyes again, closed his notebook and walked over to where the twins were watching Spongebob. I sighed and walked over to where Butler was making omelets.

"How's it going with those omelets?" I asked, peering into the skillet.

"Just about finished," he said, sliding the omelet onto a plate. He handed it to me after topping it with some fresh fruit.

"Why, thank you, Chef Butler!" I said with a smile and sat down to eat my omelets. Just as I was about to put a spoonful of the yummy, egg-y, goodness into my mouth, Artemis came in and sat down next to me without a word. I raised my eyebrows.

"That talking sponge thing is quite bothersome. The whole show is pointless and completely absurd," he mumbled.

"Serves you right. You've been avoiding me for the past week. Honestly, I don't even know how that's possible, considering we stay in the same house, but somehow, you managed it. We should get started with your lessons," I said, eating a spoon of the omelet. I sighed dreamily and rubbed my stomach. "Butler, these are dee-lish!"

He smiled and walked out of the room, wiping his hands on a paper towel as he walked away.

"As a matter of fact, I've been working on lesson one," Artemis said.

"Lesson one?" Confused, I watched him walk out of the room.

"Hi," he said, walking back into the kitchen.

"Whoa! This time you didn't even gag! It's a miracle! You really stepped it up a notch!" I said, waving my hands around. He chuckled and smiled at me.

I gagged on my omelet.

"Okay, lesson two: A better smile, please. You look like a freaking vampire when you smile! And I'm not talking about an Edward Cullen smile that those fangirls are crazy about, either."

"Oh, and smiling nicely will make me become a better person?" he asked defensively. "And who the heck is Edward Cullen?"

"JK, JK," I smiled, taking another bite of my omelet.

"JK?"

"Just kidding."

"Ah." He went back to his work until his stomach grumbled. He glanced at my omelet for a while.

A looooong while.

He coughed. "Did Butler make any more omelets?"

"Nope," I said, finishing up the rest of the omelet. "Too bad, because it was so good. I mean, it was nice and fluffy, with the perfect amount of cheese. And the spices, omigosh, they are amazing! They really bring out the richness and the flavor of the grilled onions and mushrooms—"

"Quiet! I'm already hungry as it is!" he said, sighing.

"I know."

He glared at me.

"Which leads me," I say, putting my plate into the sink, "to Lesson Number 3: cooking!"

A groan rose up from the rest of the house.

"Of all the convicts I just had to get you, didn't I?" I sighed. I looked around the cupboards until I found a skillet. "Go grab two eggs, some oil, and whatever you want in your omelet," I said to Artemis as I put the skillet on the burner. He got out the things I had asked him to get from the fridge and brought them over to the table next to the stove.

"Okay, first we have to sauté the stuff you want…which is beef, mushrooms, olives, and…caviar?" I gawked, looking at him.

"It tastes good. Trust me."

"Ha! Trust you?"

"Quiet."

"You know, it'd be a lot more effective if you'd just told me to shut up. Quiet sounds like you're a librarian or something," I laughed, searching around for a cutting board. "You've really got to learn some slang words."

"Not in a million years."

I found the cutting board and a knife and placed it on the table. "Okay. You should cut mushrooms the long way, from the stem up." I demonstrated, and then gave Artemis the knife. He took it from me and nervously cut the mushroom the way I had shown him.

"Success!" he said raising up his hands. Unfortunately the knife was still in his hands…

"Whoa!" I said, jumping to the side.

I heard the knife whoosh past my ear.

"ARTEMIS! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!" I screamed.

"Oops. I apologize," he said, snickering with that disgustingly sarcastic look on his face. He went back to cutting the rest of the mushrooms.

I slapped his arm and watched him cut up the rest of the ingredients, almost cutting off his fingers more often than not.

"Okay, so now we need to crack the eggs in a bowl and beat them," I said to Artemis. He got the two eggs and…dropped them.

"Artemis. You crack the eggs in the bowl, not on the floor." I snickered. "Everyone knows that! Unless, of course, there's something you don't know…"

"Shut up."

"Ah, I see you remembered to tell me to shut up. Well done." I paused. "Like I was saying, if there's something you don't know, it's perfectly okay to tell me. I won't tell anyone…cough…"

"I thought you said that would help you to keep quiet."

"Oops. I guess the offer on that deal ran out about…" I checked my watch. "Ten seconds ago."

He stared at me bluntly and walked out the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from you."

"Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, that's not gonna work since we live in the same house," I said, cleaned up the eggs on the floor, and followed him up to his office. He turned around and faced me.

"Actually, I live here. You're just an uninvited visitor."

"Yes, Mr. Fowl," I said, saluting.

"I don't care, really."

"You know, it'd be a lot more effective if you'd just said 'whatever'," I said, smiling.

"Whatever. There? Happy?"

"No, actually, that offer expired about—"

"WHATEVER!"

I laughed and muttered, "I can't believe you fell for it twice…"

Now, in this situation, I would've expected Artemis to go into his office and slam the door, or even come and smack me. So I definitely wasn't expecting what happened next.

He threw his shoe at me.

And for a guy with a lot of 'hygiene' that thing smelled horrible.


	4. Chapter 3

A/N: It's pretty obvious I'm new to ehehe ^_^" I'm a pretty lazy (and crappy) updater so here's a link to quite a few of my OTHER fanfictions (all arty-related) plus an older-ish version of this story: ?uid=593 I realized the chapters were short and choppy and filler-like so I decided to redo them. There are also a few "blogs" on there (sorta…?) so just search around a bit until you find a story. I think I also did a Percy Jackson crossover but it's been so long that I've forgotten _" Enjoy! :)

I got a job. Something other than my secret agent one.

Actually, I got both Arty and me a job. He's pissed about it, of course. He claims, and I quote, "Why would any respectable genius work at Baskin Robbins (you know, the ice cream place)?"

"You know what, Artemis? You're absolutely right. They wouldn't. Unfortunately, you don't fit under the _respectable _genius category. That's why you're working here," I snickered.

He glared at me, but I could see a hint of amusement in his eyes. Huh, I thought as I stared into his eyes. He does have a sense of humor after all.

A customer walked in holding a little girl by the hand. The woman, who was probably the girl's mother, lifted her daughter up and let her take a look at some of the flavors. After a while the girl finally decided on one, and the woman walked up to Artemis.

"Um, I'll take a single scoop of Mint Chocolate Chip in a cup and a single scoop of this "Splish Splash" also in a cup."

"No, Mommy!" said the little girl, pulling on her mother's skirt. "I want it in a cone!"

Artemis, being the fast little busy bee that he is, already had the blue "Splish Splash" ice cream in a cup when he heard the request. He sighed, rolled his eyes, and asked, "Would you like it in the normal cone or in a sugar one?" He put on his best smile.

"S-sugar…" the girl squeaked, obviously terrified of Arty's vampire grin.

I laughed. "Don't worry kiddo. He scares me too." I grabbed a cup and put a scoop of Mint Chip inside.

The girl coughed and looked at Artemis. "Um, actually, mister? Can I have the ice cream in a cup and then put the cone on top of it?"

Artemis, who just threw the previous cup away, glared at the little girl. "Make up your mind!"

The mom looked disappointed at Artemis. "Would you please help us, instead of this amateur?" she said to me.

"Sure," I nodded understandingly, "My brother's a bit dull at times, so that's why I take some time to tutor him every day. Isn't that right, Artemis?"

"I can't believe I'm working here!" Artemis yelled.

"It's always been his life-long dream," I smiled, handing the customer their ice creams.

"Thank you, miss! You're nice, not like that jerk over there," the little girl smiled, licking her ice cream.

They walked out, and Artemis glared at me. "What's wrong with you?"

"What? I thought it was fun," I said innocently.

"Fun? Have you ever been insulted by a 6-year-old girl?"

"Nope. How was it?"

He stomped over, as if he wanted to tackle me, but slipped on some ice cream instead. I would've laughed if he hadn't landed on top of me. His face landed inches away from mine. To make it worse, our manager walked in and saw Artemis lying on top of me. Yeah, it wasn't very good for our rep.

We were fired, of course.

Artemis and I walked home, neither of us saying a word to each other since he slipped and fell.

"Well," I said, breaking the silence, "at least you learned something."

"And what was that?" he grumbled, ice cream stuck in his hair.

"Lesson four: Be nice to six-year-old girls."

"Does that mean I can insult you?"

"Nah, I'm the exception. And while you're at it, bow down and call me your queen."

He stopped. "Do you always have to be like that?" he said, sounding a lot like I did on the first day I came here.

"Like what?"

"You always jump at the chance to make fun of me. Why? What did I do to you?"

"Well…" I mumbled, not really able to think of any reason. I would've said, Because it's fun! but then I'd still be making fun of him. "I guess I could cut it out. For a while, anyway."

He sighed. "I guess it'll always be that way."

I couldn't be sure, but I thought he sounded kinda sad. When you think about it, I thought. I'm one of the closest things he has to a friend. I frowned.

"Okay, okay, we're cool now. Deal?" I said, holding out my hand.

He raised his eyebrows and shook my hand.

On our way home, Artemis picked up the mail from the mailbox and flipped through it as we walked up to his house. I had insisted that Butler not pick us up from Baskin Robbins since most kids his age walk to and from work, but now I was regretting that decision. I was considering asking Artemis to carry me up the rest of the way when he handed me a letter.

"It's from your secret organization."

I took the letter from him and opened it up.

_Dear Agent Emmaleigh,_

_ We have been notified of suspicious behavior during your stay with Artemis Fowl II. Please keep in mind rule number four, or you will be fired and your assigned convict will be thrown into jail violently. Thank you, and have a super-secret spy day!_

_-Anonymous_

What? "Suspicious behavior"? Rule number four? I thought for a while, then realized that what happened at Baskin Robbins earlier (when Artemis fell on top of me) was a "violation" of _do not become to attached to your convict_. I wondered about how the heck they got the information out so quickly, but I guess that's part of being a spy. I laughed and tucked the letter back into the envelope. That incident was pure accident. There was no way I would become anything more than friends with the "respectable" genius.

There was no way…

was considering asking Artemis to carry me up the rest of the way when he handed me a letter.

k. so here we were, taking a hik


End file.
